recklessly dreaming

I am working on my support letters and it is a draining process. Anyone have large sums of money that they want to donate as part of my campus ministry sponsorship? I hate asking for money. Its also difficult when people don’t understand or feel the need for what I dream.

I have grown up in the Churches of Christ and love me heritage, but I also feel strangely out of place since I am a woman and have been gifted in both leadership and ministry. If I had slightly different anatomy (well maybe not slightly - but its amazing to me that the difference is rooted in the genetic make up on one of chromosomes in pair 23) this would not be a conflict at all.

I was first made aware of the differences between ‘boys and girls’ in the church when I was five. I have a younger brother who is two years younger than I am (so doing the simple math - he was 3 at the time). At the church I was born into, at the end of every service children walk (reality check - that speed when you are suppose to be walking but really want to run but you are going just fast enough so that you won’t get in trouble) up each aisle and pick up the cards (used for attendance, prayer requests, new members, etc). This was one of the tasks that all kids wanted to do - and I anxiously waited my turn but ut never came. As a child of 5 you can wait - maybe I’m not old enough, maybe next time - even when your friends get to do it. However, this all came to an end (remember I was 5) when all of a sudden Jeff (wait he’s only 3) got to pick up cards. And then I got the answer that I couldn’t pick up the cards, that was only done by little boys.

I don’t remember a lot from the age of 5 (my first set of stitches, walking to school as my mom stood in the front yard, sitting in the tree watching people go by, etc.) past select memories, but this event was formative to me. I didnt want to preach, or teach, or read, or pray, or serve communion - I just wanted to be a part of the community. It wasn’t a subversive attempt to usurp authority but just a longing desire to be a part and to be able to ‘do’ in this community of believers.

I don’t want to preach. Not because I am a woman, but because that is not my gift. (Please do not insert the women can/cannot preach debate here). Its been difficult growing up at times in the c/c at times as a female. I guess it would be different if the only men that spoke were ones that were gifted, or trained, etc. but that has never been the case. In fact the only time I have spoken from up front in church during Sunday morning worship (and this is far more than most) is to give a senior response back in ‘97 when our class graduted from high school. - This was not a prayer, sermon, communion thoughts, leading singing, etc. but rather a reflection on the body’s impact on our class and a moment of reflection and expressed gratitude.

Sometimes it has been even more difficult because I haven’t seen/learned from women who have been theologically trained (not that only theologically trained people can teach - but there is a value to it. Additionally it says something to me when we will train men to be leaders with additional training but do not do the same to/for women).

I truely value the way in which women have and continue to serve our churches and communities. They serve in ways which I have not been so gifted - one such gift is that of hospitality. Their service is essential to the church. However there are those of us who have been given different gifts and struggle to find a place to use them in the body.

My next year will be spent as a college ministry apprentice in Kansas. I am excited that (extremely slowly) churches are looking at hiring ministry teams rather than one minister. I remember only haev male ministers and realizing that they had absolutely no idea (other than book knowledge at best) how I thought as a woman, what I was faced with, and female demons that bombarded by life. In the same breath I struggle constantly which how to minister to guys in the reverse situation.

My view of minstry is communal. I believe that the picture we are goven of God is best seen in humans as they live communaly. That at all levels (esp. in high school and college) need to have minsters of both genders working together - more holistic. However in times of economic whatever it is often difficult to see and respond to the need when things work now. Maybe they don’t work. Maybe we are just used to the way things have always been. hummm

Well I am back to work on my support letters, and then to get some sleep. Its been a long day. I get my truck back tomorrow ($400 and new rotors laters).

Something about camps really distorts one’s sense of temporal reality. I am ofen trying to fit more than 24 hours in a day. RIght now the childcare kids (ages 5-13) just came running in - several of them have used my room as a place of escape at night. Normally I don’t mind and they are usually great, tonight though I was cleaning my room - luckily they were all heading outside and I was heading off to church (my weekly escape off campus - as my truck lies abandoned in the parking lot untli the brakes can get fixed).

(written some hours later) Leah and I went to Colonial tonight and there were several kids there - many of whom have been to camp, are currently in the day camp, or are coming next week. They are great and Leah is falling in love with them. My goals for the week are to get my fundraising letter(s) written for Kansas so that they can go out soon and get the truck into the shop - we’ll see how it goes. (If the former doesn’t happen I won’t eat next year - and if the later doesn’t happen I would be driving anywhere anytime soon.)

My job has me in an interesting position this summer - I am at camp yet I am very distant from the things that are going on - I work 40 hours a week in a camp environment and as a result don’t feel like I am at camp since most of my work takes place away from campers (making sure that we have volunteers and that they are coming). Yet in the same breath, I am having a difficult time carving out time for myself.

This week I have been going through and cleaning out a bunch of my stuff getting ready for the move - as a result last night I found some old CDs - ahh the music of junior high.

maybe when i once again have some sleep I’ll be inspired to write something slightly deeper.

The first group of campers and volunteers has arrived. Twelve hours later I am about to head to bed - so begins the summer I should get to sleep some on Saturday. This year the theme is grace. Maybe I will reflect on this deeper throughout the summer (but not now). A friend from my years at Tech visited me this weekend. As we talked about various things that have happened recently and our childhoods and all other random things. was reminded (even though it had its rough spots) how blessed I have been with the childhood that I had - no divorce, death, abuse.

I have to work on my support letter finished and mailed as soon as I can get some of the addresses. I have to get my brakes taken care of (actually brake fluid).

The president of my childhood died this weekend. I was nine the year he left office. Among the many things said by those reflecting this weekend on his life is a little fact - that in one of his bids (and winning) for the presidency he won 49 states - wow.

By the way Amanda, the giant Shrek head is no longer on top of Burger King (just the giant shrek hand) - it is sitting in the playroom for reasons currently unknown. And I made my first trip to Mary’s since you left.

off to bed - maybe the knot in my right shoulder will magically disappear in my sleep.